Java Jockey

Hey Everyone,

Sorry I have been away for awhile. A lot has happened in these past few weeks. None of which I really would like to share about right now. Jesus has taken a day job at a local coffee house. He says it’s ‘to get the full experience.’ Which I guess is cool. I’ve been thinking about working there too. The TV internship did not go as planned. My boss was nuts. She would text me in the middle of the night wanting me to bring her coffee at the office. It’s not easy getting Starbucks in the middle of the night. They are all closed. By the time I got out of bed and into my car it was about three in the morning. I drove around the city nothing was open.

Jesus offered to help. But he works at the other coffee place. It wouldn’t matter if the savoir of mankind brewed her up a cup if wasn’t the right brand. Go figure.

Then it hit me. I could go to the grocery store buy some Starbucks brand coffee. Brew it and then take it to her. It was complicated but at least i would have my job. I went to Ralph’s. Thank God they are always open.  Bought the coffee and started to brew it. I forgot that she would probably want it in a Starbucks cup. So as the coffee was brewing I went to the local starbuck to see if I could break into a trash can or something and find a cup. It’s not the best idea but she woke me up and if I got away with this it would just be one of the many stories I decided that I would one day tell my kids.

Fortunately, as I got there the first shift was getting there. It was about four in the morning. I tried to get them to sell me a cup of coffee but they wouldn’t let me in. After about ten minutes of bartering I convinced one of them to sell me a clean cup for twenty dollars. I get home with the cup. Pour the coffee. I got in my car and drive to the studio which in only 5 minutes away. When I get there the security guy lets me in.  I find my boss and she is drinking a cup of coffee. They made some. How quaint.

Not only that she had forgotten that she had texted me. But since I was early, 4:30 am, I could start by filing the TDR reports. I wish I had used a dirty cup.

The Homeless Brigade

Jesus and I are not talking right now. So don’t ask about him.

Last night he brought home some of his friends that he panhandles with for dinner. I didn’t get any of there real names. They all had street names like, J-Dog, Cash Money, and Big Mike (Mike is not his name. He just happens to look like an overweight Michael Jordan). Turns out the guy they called Chef didn’t know how to cook. But that didn’t stop him from insisting. They made a mess of the kitchen. After about an hour of burning bread and charring chicken Jesus called Dominos. They were up until like two in the morning laughing and telling stories. At two thirty I came out and told Jesus that I had to get up early. He apologized and sent the guys on their way.

But the effects of there stay lingered into the morning. I got up and went to the restroom. Jesus let them all shower in our bathroom. There is a line of dirt around the tub and there is only one towel left.

Here is what I don’t get. How is it that the guy can feed thousands of people with just a loaf of bread but refuse to wash the dishes? I told him that cleanliness is next to godliness. He said, “Who told you that? I never said that.” The kitchen looked like it had been host to a riot. How do you get flour on the ceiling? And I think one of them stole my xbox controller. It doesn’t make sense. Who steals a controller?

What does Jesus Do for fun?

Today has not been a good day. I got to work LATE again. By the time I got there my boss caught me on the way in. She asked me were I have been. I made up an excuse about being ill. But she didn’t buy it. She said that she was disappointed. I’m on probation. Which is messed up because I am not even getting paid. I am running off of a few left over bucks from a student loan and the grace of my dad back in Chicago.

“Why am I working for free?” You might ask. That’s just the way it works. I work for free. I do such a good job that they can’t work with out me. Then I get a good job. Because good jobs in television are just that hard to get.

Anyway, less about me and more about my divine roommate. I received an e-mail asking me what Jesus does for fun. Yes, he does watch copious amounts of cable news. But I think that is just because he wants to catch up. Other then that he still has a lot of spare time on his hands. We live in Brentwood. It is a stone’s throw from UCLA. He spends a lot of time at the university walking around, dropping in on classes. Sometimes he dresses down and asks for change outside of the coffee shops. He really likes that, which is weird. He just likes people. Being around them makes him happy. He says it’s something about charity. I don’t know. I tend to drown him out when he gets preachy. I just wonder what he does with all that money.

Speaking of things he enjoys. He says he wants to take a road trip. This weekend we are going to go to Nor Cal. Get some sun. It’ll be nice. I’ll tell you about it when I get back.

Style by the Savior

I have received a lot e-mails asking about what Jesus looks like. A lot of people told me that he is not blond with blue eyes. Which I thought was kind of funny because well he’s eating Mac and Cheese and watching LOST on our Tivo. I know exactly what he looks like. I’m looking right at him. But it is not what you might expect.

You might think a toga or something but Jesus isn’t an idiot. He knows that if he went out like that he would raise suspicion. For the most part it is polo t-shirts and jeans. He still rocks the sandals though. When he goes out he is pretty much indistinguishable from everyone else. Maybe if you listen closely you can hear his Israeli accent betray him.

I called up Samantha from the club today. Her boyfriend, Jack, answered the phone. Who is this girl? Why would someone go out of there way to be so mean. I do not understand these Los Angeles girls. Jesus said that her boyfriend was a douche and while he loves everyone, he only loves Jack because of a technicality. Okay maybe he didn’t say that exactly. But he gave me a look.

Sunset Strip

Last night did not go at all like I expected. We went down to a bar on Sunset. As we drove there I was filling Jesus in on club culture. He was asking questions. I was starting to think that this was a bad idea. I wouldn’t exactly describe him as an extrovert. As nice of a guy as he is two thousand years has left him with a little blind spot for social interaction. But when we arrived all my fears melted away.

His demeanor changed almost immediately. The introverted, dare say nerdy, individual that has been on my couch for the last three days came to life. Stronger, happier, even some how younger. We had something to drink, me a beer him some wine. And he just started talking to random people. And he didn’t stop for three hours. He was telling jokes doing some magic tricks.

By the time midnight rolled around he had a group of a dozen people hanging on his every word. One of them was a petite blonde named Samantha. She and I had been talking earlier but was slowly being sucked into the tour de force that was Jesus Christ, the Super Star. She was packing up to leave and I felt like I had missed my chance. But that is when he turned to me and said, “Could you escort Samantha here to her car? It’s late. I want her to be safe.” Jesus as a wingman kicks so much ass. I walk her to her car. When I get there she gives me her number. I didn’t even ask.

On the way home I asked Jesus what he thought. He told me that he had fun. He said that he couldn’t do magic tricks the first time around. Everyone would have confused it for a miracle. He had apparently been waiting some time to pull a coin out from behind someone’s ear. I think I might buy him a book of card tricks as a thank you.

Jesus Likes CNN

I was late for work yesterday. I’m still not used to traffic in L.A. Today I got up extra early. You know, to combat the traffic. I over did it a little. I was at work an hour before everyone else. The janitor had to let me in.

When I got up this morning Jesus was already up eating cheerios watching CNN. Jesus watches A LOT of television. I would figure that he would want to go out and start healing people or something. No. For three days straight it’s been cheerios and cable news. He told me that even if he did go out he would have to keep it quiet. Apparently is supposed to come back with a big party or something. So instead he watches Hardball.

I think I am going to take him out tomorrow night. I told him if he is going to be on vacation he should live a little. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Craigslist

You never know what you might get if you look on Criagslist. Some of the people I know have had great success. A good friend of mine found a Playstation 2 for 15 bucks. The lady told her that it belonged to her ex and she didn’t want it in the house. But then you have the matter of finding roommates. Craiglist plus roommates does not equal love.

But when you are fresh out of college and on your own in a new city how else are you going to find a place to live? I just graduated from college and moved out to Los Angeles last month. I am an intern at a local television station. I get coffee for people, make photo copies. I needed a cheap place to stay.

In my infinite wisdom I decided to rent an apartment and find a roommate instead of finding a roomate first. May’s rent came much quicker then I thought. I needed help ASAP. I posted a notice on Craigslist. I got nothing. Then one day a guy e-mailed me named Jesus. I figured it was spanish, you know Hay-Zeus. But it turned out it was the real deal. The Ancient of Days. I didn’t believe him first but when he showed up he filled the bathtub up and turned it to wine. I told him if he kept doing that I would pay him to take the room.

I’m not much of a church goer. But he told me that he wouldn’t be much trouble. He would just be visiting for a few months. Then back to where ever. To sweeten the pot he was able to pay six months in advance. Cash. With that kind of money he could be the reincarnation of Ghagis Khan for all I care. He told me that I couldn’t tell anyone. Appearently there would be a bit of a media storm if the word got out that it was actually him. But he said that I could blog about it since no one on the internet would actually believe me. That’s where you come in.

Ever wonder what it would be like to live with Jesus? Nows your chance. And be sure to leave comments. I’ll answer anyquestions you might have.